


The Rules Of Torchwood Three

by copperbadge



Series: The Rulesverse [1]
Category: Torchwood
Genre: Gen, Lists, Rules, Torchwood: Rules & Procedures
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-02-20
Updated: 2008-02-20
Packaged: 2017-12-03 08:45:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/696440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/copperbadge/pseuds/copperbadge
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Imagine, if you will, a raw recruit to Torchwood, stood purposefully in front of a large whiteboard in a corner of the Hub. </p>
<p>"Memorize them," Ianto tells him, claps him on the shoulder, and wanders off.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Rules Of Torchwood Three

**Author's Note:**

> Credit to **nardo218** for the Matrix screen saver line. Also, **ak_alterego** has created a [graphical version of this](http://pics.livejournal.com/copperbadge/pic/0061q2bz) with awesome handwriting and layout. If you'd like to comment on the graphical version, you can [do so here.](http://ak-alterego.livejournal.com/246929.html?mode=reply)

_Imagine, if you will, a raw recruit to Torchwood, stood purposefully in front of a large whiteboard in a corner of the Hub._

_"Memorize them," Ianto tells him, claps him on the shoulder, and wanders off._

The Rules of Torchwood Three

We do not mess with the rift.

No, really, _we do not mess with the rift._

We do not put pizza boxes on top of alien artefacts even if there is no other room on our desk.

We do not put pizza boxes on top of Jack's biology experiment simply because there is a heat lamp there.

We do not _microwave anything in tinfoil_. You are all certified geniuses. Learn cause and effect.

We do not smoke anything found growing in the cells even if we are 100% certain we know what it is and if ~~Suzie~~ Ianto ever finds out who planted it, there will be Words.

We do not steal Owen's surgical gloves. They are not Marigolds, balloons, or insulation.

~~We do not switch off the oxygen feed on Suzie's welding rig simply because she makes amusing faces when she is annoyed.~~

We do not steal artefacts. We do not abuse the power of stewardship with which we have been entrusted in order to get laid.

We do not touch the coffeemaker. If we want coffee we will ask Ianto.

We do not refer to Gwen as "Rookie", "Angel", or "Flatfoot". 

We do not throw tools.

Only Jack is allowed to throttle members of the staff. 

We do not find rubber duckies floating in the Hub pool amusing.   
Tosh's handwriting: _We didn't know they would clog the filters. Sorry._

We do not press buttons on artefacts simply to see what will happen when we do.

We do not under any circumstances take home any aliens no matter how attractive, fuzzy, harmless, or delicious they appear to be.

We do not drink anything, ever, around Tosh's station unless we are Tosh.  
Owen's handwriting: _Wasn't me._

We do not wear any articles of clothing, armor, or headgear that do not belong to us.

Owen's handwriting, scratched out with a heavy marker pen: ~~_We do not store our girlfriends at the Hub._~~  
Jack's Handwriting: _We do not throw stones when we live in glass houses. Owen._

We do not refer to Rhys as The Civilian.

We do not borrow Ianto's earpiece because we cannot find ours. We will ask Ianto first if he can find ours.

We do not leave the keys in the SUV. Ever.  
Owen's Handwriting: _We do not take Owen on camping trips._

We do not denigrate the fine men and women of the local police authority and if they write us parking tickets we do not expect Torchwood, Gwen, or Ianto to get us out of paying.

We do not play first-person shooters, MMORGs, or Tetris on Tosh's computers. We _do not_ install The Sims on any Torchwood servers.

We _absolutely_ do not shag anything we cannot verify as human.  
Jack's handwriting: _Ianto, this seems very xenophobic to me. There are lots of perfectly charming shaggable species out there who aren't human._  
Amendment: Unless we are Jack, who knows what he's doing ~~and it's not like you could stop him anyway~~.  
Jack's handwriting: _Don't make me discipline you._

We do not trust the undead. We do not take the undead on field trips. 

We do not use Gwen's soymilk even if we are out of cream and not man enough to drink our coffee black.

We do not borrow Ianto's car without asking. We have our own cars.

_WE DO NOT MESS WITH THE RIFT._

Jack's handwriting: _We do not shoot our superiors OR colleagues._

Gwen's handwriting: _We will leave a note if we intend to be missing for more than two hours, days, weeks, months..._  
Jack's handwriting: _We're sorry._

Unauthorised Police Public Call Boxes are required to give advance notice before arrival.  
Jack's handwriting: _WE SAID we're sorry._

We do not humour the whims of time-traveling ex-partners.   
[Evidence of Jack's handwriting has been erased.]

We do not sniff _any_ of the resonators, _especially_ the sub-etheric.

When dying, we will make every effort not to bleed on the SUV's upholstery.

We do not use Ianto's screwdriver set to try and pry open locked boxes. They are obviously locked for a reason.   
Gwen's handwriting: _Can't resist a puzzle. I'll buy you a new set._

We do not refer to Rhys as Tonto, Robin, or Arthur.

We will respect Owen's desire to become a vegetarian and we will not slip beef into his chili when he is not looking.

Gwen's handwriting: _We do not stun-gun people in the head if it is avoidable._  
We do not know what Gwen is talking about.

We do not read other peoples' reports, computer screens, or diaries without permission.

WE DO NOT FIRE THE SINGULARITY SCALPEL AT IANTO.  
Owen's handwriting: _We do not take accidental near-dismemberment personally._

Martha has a boyfriend. Yes, still. Yes. _Still_.  
Martha's handwriting: _And if I didn't I'd still shag Ianto first._  
Thank you, Martha.

To reiterate: We do not trust the undead nor take them on field trips. A significant goal of Torchwood Three is a decrease in the number of undead per fiscal year.  
Owen's handwriting: _Get stuffed, Jones._

When Ianto calls us on our headsets we answer _promptly_.

We do not make inappropriate remarks about childrens' books. 

It is not funny to leave the Zombie War Survival Guide on Owen's desk ~~, Gwen~~.

Jack's handwriting: _Maternity leave is now mandatory beginning at first sign of alien impregnation. Maternity leave will be taken in the medical bay or the cells._  
Owen's handwriting: _Especially for the men._

We do not hurl unnecessary insults at aliens or innocent ~~parents~~ bystanders whom we believe to be aliens. 

We do not ask Ianto for mix CDs. He does not "spin like a mofo" and we accept that he does not find this amusing.

We do not think it is funny to install Matrix screensavers on Tosh's computer when she's not looking. 

At the first sign of disembodied music of any kind (especially Pipe Organ) we will alert Jack immediately. If we are Jack, we will alert everyone else.

None of us speak Polari, Jack, and none of us want to learn.

We do not eat Tosh's lunch. It is Tosh's lunch and, no matter how hungry we are, we do not eat it. Unless, obviously, we are Tosh.

Gwen's handwriting: _No sex in the greenhouse._  
That's not going to help much, Gwen.

Doors exist to be knocked upon. Knock thou, and nip trouble in the bud.

Jack's handwriting: _Consider the idea that when Jack says no, perhaps there is a reason._  
Consider the idea that some reasons are less valid than others.   
Jack's handwriting: _Consider the idea of being unemployed._  
Consider my ~~arse~~ coffee.

If it's on Tosh's desk, don't press its buttons. No. Really.

We do not refer to Rhys as SuperRhys, however much he may deserve the title. It'll only go to his head.  
Gwen's handwriting: _He will always be Super Rhys to me._  
I may gag.

Were we unclear about the part where we don't like the time-traveling ex-partners?  
John Hart's Handwriting: _That's hardly nice, Eyecandy._

***

_The recruit stands in front of the whiteboard. Susie he understands; she was crossed out, Obliterated in the ancient sense -- her name removed, but enough left to read what was wiped away, because she died dishonourably._

_Owen and Tosh don't deserve that, but perhaps --_

_"No," Ianto says, taking the eraser from his hand. "Leave them."_

***

Jack's Handwriting: ~~_MOST IMPORTANTLY: We're all in this together. Let's make sure it stays that way._~~ _The end is where we start from._

Gwen is not allowed to touch the coffee machine.  
Gwen's handwriting: _You're a bastard, Ianto._  
I love you too, Gwen. 

JACK I TOLD YOU ABOUT LEAVING ALIEN LIFE FORMS IN THE FRIDGE.


End file.
